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 Raising
Unusual Children in Changing times
What to do when your child does not fit in?
We
are generally not aware of it, and may not want to admit
it, but much of our behaviour is at least partially
influenced and often very much dictated by norms, rules
and standards. You get up in the morning needing your
dose of caffeine. If your morning coffee is not up to
our standards of flavour, intensity and temperature,
you might grumble, or worst, project a horrible day
ahead. As you prepare for work the announcer on the
radio forecasts "above average temperatures"
for the day, and you select your wardrobe accordingly.
Traffic is lighter than usual, so you plan to leave
for work a bit later. Things are more hectic than normal
at the office since the new boss came on the scene,
so you expect to stay late at work. You purchase a new
home, and expect that it was constructed according to
standards. You track the growth of your financial portfolio
based on long term averages in the hope of having a
nest egg for your retirement, basing your calculations
on the current average life span. You go home and find
a soiled and crumpled note from your son's school on
the kitchen counter. It seems that his academic performance
is well below average and his teacher is concerned.
She recommends that you bring your son to the doctor.
As a concerned and well-intentioned parent, you comply
and make the appointment, at which time the doctor prescribes
the psychotropic drug of the day.
Familiar
occurrences? Norms can be helpful. No one would purchase
a home that was "substandard" in construction.
If you child has a fever, that is, if her body temperature
is above normal, you have reason to be concerned and
are right to take action. The Canadian dollar is well
above norm relative to the US dollar? Hey, it may be
time to go on that US spending spree.
However,
as much as we take norms for granted, as much as they
can be helpful indicators providing useful information
that in turn enables better choices, they can be counterproductive
and even damaging when applied without discernment.
There is no more clear example of inappropriate use
of standardization than there is with the raising of
children.
Over
the past couple of years, I have grown increasingly
concerned about the use of norms to measure behaviour
and performance in children. Norms change. Global climatic
conditions are changing, raising normal temperature
values. Medical advances are increasing the survival
rate for patients of previously lethal diseases, prolonging
the average life span. From what I am seeing in the
charts of children today, individual potential is also
changing, and it is doing so at a remarkable rate. The
usual norms no longer apply.
Many
of the young people I see in consultation are extremely
sensitive and far more insightful than they are given
the credit for. Many of them have incredible potential
that can one day be used to affect a significant impact
on the world around them; they have huge dreams, depth
of spirit, passion, insight, drive and tremendous vision.
Yet, when I look in their eyes, I see them drowning
in a sea of misunderstanding and isolation. A significant
number of youth today feel completely misunderstood
and out of sync with the world; they feel as though
they are not and can never be truly normal. Clearly,
the system is failing them. While the world should nurture
and protect the young, instead they are allowed to feel
inadequate, defective, powerless and lost because they
don't fit the norm. The fact of the matter is that the
world simply does not get them.
We
could blame the system for not keeping up and adapting
to this growing trend, and we would be right, but that
would not change anything. Systems don't change from
the outside; they change from within. As the individual
members of the system change, so will the system. The
healthy unfolding of our young one's potential rests
in large part in our hands. To depend on the school
system and society is foolhardy, unrealistic and irresponsible.
So how can we provide our children with the most favourable
environment for the development of their unique potential?
We
can begin by treating our children as the unique individuals
they are. We can forget about "how we were raised"
and "how things were when we were young."
With the rapid rate at which things change, the past
is long gone. Our parents and society did what they
could in a social and economic climate that was far
different from today's. In effect, as far as our children's
welfare and personal development are concerned, what
we really need is to blast the norms to bits and start
from scratch. This requires tremendous faith in our
ability to do what is best for our children. We are
navigating uncharted waters, and taking great risks
in an area for which we are-let's be honest-pretty much
untrained. What may have worked for our parents is not
likely to work for our children.
Next,
we can acknowledge that as parents and educators, we
are not perfect, that we will make errors and we cannot
do everything for our children. We can do our part,
do it well, and trust that our children will take what
we have given them and in turn use their own special
talents and abilities to build the best life for themselves.
We also need to acknowledge that they will not be perfect
either, and that they too will make mistakes. This is
"normal." Wanting to get it all right and
to be perfect is a common desire, but it is not normal.
We
need to accept that our children may not carry on with
the family business. We may find it amusing to recognize
family traits in our children, we may even be proud
of these traits, but at the same time we need to be
ready to let go of any attachment that we have in seeing
our children doing as we have done. Many of today's
children have a potential for doing things that have
not been done before. Technology is advancing so rapidly
that we cannot begin to picture what kind of lifestyle
our children will have as adults raising families of
their own.
We
need to listen-really listen-to what our children are
trying to say. In my conversations with young people,
probably the single most significant complaint is that
they feel that they have not been heard. Children are
using today's normal language to express impressions
and feelings that are often not normal. It is important
that we actually take the time and ensure that we have
really understood what is being said. The use of communication
techniques such as mirroring can be very helpful. Say
to the child, if I understand you correctly, you are
saying that... and you would express what you think
you understood. Avoid assuming that you understand what
the child is feeling or experiencing based on your own
experiences as a child. That is a big mistake, and a
common one.
As
adults, we need to break out of our own comfort zones
and explore interests that are unique to our children.
So, maybe you couldn't draw a stick figure if your life
depended on it, but your daughter seems to be quite
adept with her new wax crayons. Take her on a day trip
to your local art gallery. I see so much missed potential
in young people, talents that may have been developed
if they had been exposed to the right environments.
Parents need to stretch beyond their own areas of interest.
Maybe you have hopes for your son as the next Wayne
Gretsky, while his potential is more in tune with an
Andrea Bocelli. You never know, you might even enjoy
one or two Puccini arias! With children, the learning
experience is very much a bi-directional experience;
we both learn from each other.
In
order to really understand somebody, you must truly
listen. To truly listen, requires that you respect the
person enough to hear what they have to say. To really
listen to what they have to say, means that you must
set aside all judgment. To set aside judgment, allows
you to communicate freely, from the heart. When you
communicate from the heart, there can be no error. This
is the key to dealing with the youth that do not seem
to fit in.
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